Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap
for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including
the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission
Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found there was no Gorsky
in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-
year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr.
Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1942, when he was a 12-year-old kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his
neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"

(Note: this is an urban legend)

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Investment 101

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00.

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminium cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Harry S. Truman 1947

"Republica­­­­­­­ns approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke.

They stand four-squar­­­­­­­e for the American home--but not for housing.

They are strong for labor--but they are stronger for restrictin­­­­­­­g labor's rights.

They favor minimum wage--the smaller the minimum wage the better.

They endorse educationa­­­­­­­l opportunit­­­­­­­y for all--but they won't spend money for teachers or for schools.

They think modern medical care and hospitals are fine--for people who can afford them.

They consider electrical power a great blessing--­­­­­­­but only when the private power companies get their rake-off.

They think American standard of living is a fine thing--so long as it doesn't spread to all the people.

And they admire of Government of the United States so much that they would like to buy it."

-- Harry S. Truman 1947

Great Italian Sex

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”

The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?” The Italian said.............

”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

Ya know it's a recession when...

Ya know it's a recession when...

  1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  2. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
  3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
  4. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  5. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
  6. I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
  7. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  8. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  9. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
  10. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  11. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
  12. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  13. A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  14. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
  15. The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
  16. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Evolution of the GOP

"When I was a kid and Eisenhower was the president, my whole family was happily Republican. Then I grew up, and Nixon dragged us through Watergate and Ronald Reagan proved what a disaster Voodoo economics really is, and then George Bush proved it again.

"Now the Tea Party/Repubs believe they are the true voice of America, with paranoia rampant in their fact-free universe. The Republican Party has gone off the deep end and has plunged into some kind of madness. This is not even the party of Bill Buckley…it’s the party of wild-eyed nut jobs like Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin and Herman Cain.

"The Republicans seem to have a death wish. I have often argued that they need to suffer an apocalyptic political defeat in 2012 so they can re-examine what it really mean to be conservative in the reality-based world. We need to have a real, conservative voice in our national dialog, but these guys/gals are not it. They are so deeply irrational, suffused with flagrant hypocrisy, and drunk on the No-New-Taxes Koolaid, that you can’t even have a meaningful discussion with them.

"I wish I could find a reasonable Republican to debate, but I don’t know any."

-- Robert Post