OSCON 2012: Tim O'Reilly, "The Clothesline Paradox and the Sharing Economy"

When Grandma Goes To Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

You Can't Take it With You

A lawyer is on his deathbed. He calls his three associates in and says, "They say you can't take it with you, but I plan to. In each of these cases is a million dollars in cash. Just after they lower my casket I want you to each throw it in with me."

The men are all silent.

"I know I can trust you..." the dying man says.

They all three give their solemn promise.

The next week, leaving the funeral, one says to the other two, "I have to get this off my chest. I lost a lot in the market last year and I really needed the money. I took out half of the million dollars."

The second lawyer says, "Oh, God, me too. After my divorce I've been struggling to catch up. I only threw in $250,000."

The third attorney looks at the other two with a shocked expression. "I can't believe you two! I enclosed a check for the entire amount!"